


from the inside out

by MementoMoriPontifexMortis



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 04:37:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12051471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MementoMoriPontifexMortis/pseuds/MementoMoriPontifexMortis
Summary: sometimes she has nightmares and there is no balm for it.





	from the inside out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TinyTeddy878](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyTeddy878/gifts).



> Sad time. I wrote this after waking up and now here's some feels. I was inspired by a poem that I linked down below. Comment && kudos. Find me at baelfirecassidy on tumblr~ 
> 
> Names:   
> Else - Denmark   
> Ema - Estonia
> 
> ~~secret: hover of the russian to know what it means~~

She has nightmares some nights, quiet ones unlike Ema’s that wake both of them up. Maybe it’s her penance that keeps her nightmares silent, the Lord she forced on other people doing his dealings in the silent way of keeping only her haunted, but she doesn’t dwell on the why. She never has. 

Her nightmares, silent and never changing, come on nights that are cold – cold like that day that repeats in her head. She knows, logically, that her nightmares are a sign of her guilt, guilt that has no place in the relationship, in her head, but she never was one to think logically. Not even when it benefited her. 

Her nightmares are long, they span from the moment she puts her head down to finally waking up with the sun. They are long and repeating and they are heartbreaking. She wakes with wet eyes and sweat on her head, tells Ema that she is used to colder weather and laughs it off. The sea-green eyes of her lover bore into her soul as she lies. 

“Okay,” Ema says softly, “we can open a window more often if you like?” 

They never do because the cold – when it’s too cold and you can see your breath – freaks Ema out, pulling her from her hard earned happiness, back into the nightmare that living with Russia was for her and Else won’t do that. Won’t ever let that happen again. 

Her nightmares are about the look that Ema gave her when she was pulled from her home after her fight for independence and being forced back to the Russian’s house to be a servant again. Her nightmares show her the face: the pale, bloodless, terrified face that Ema gave her as the Russian soldiers flanked the door and Anya walked in, bright smile on her face. Her nightmares are the look of pleading that Ema gave when Anya walked over to her and grabbed her arm, pulling her from her chair and her books and her happiness. 

They say that when you don’t defend your loved one, like she hadn’t – Else wasn’t even supposed to be there, her boss had made her promise to not go to Ema, had made her swear not to interfer but she couldn’t just have Ema unknowing in the things that were about to happen – that it creates a crater to swallow the love you two have. They say that the love you two share will rot. They say that there can be no happiness for either of you two after such a betrayal. 

Else is not sure if she believes that. Ema loves her, just as deeply as she once had. There is unbridled joy in Ema’s eyes as they dance in the dark, as they love each other, as they spend night after night together. It is not Ema that holds not happiness for their love. It is her. 

Something broke that day when she stood by quietly as Ema was dragged from her home, was taken into the car that held both Latvia and Lithuania, Ema being Anya’s last stop. Something happened that day when Anya turned to her and said, “Не волнуйся, я позабочусь о ней!” before leaving. Something happened to the love she held for Ema. 

But maybe she’s wrong, she has been known to be before. Maybe that’s not the day she realized that her love for Ema had shattered, maybe it was the day that Else visited Ema after the other nation got her independence back. Maybe it happened that day when Ema had tilted her head, her now short blonde locks falling just slightly and smiled a broken brittle smile. Maybe it happened the day that she ran her hands through Ema’s much shorter hair and felt a bit of disappointment at the fact that it was no longer as long as before. Maybe it happened because it happened dozens of times before; fall in and out of love. 

But it felt different this time, she realizes. The falling out of love usually felt sad and painful but this wasn’t. It was so easy to fall out of love with the person Ema became and she could’ve broken up claiming that Ema wasn’t who she loved anymore, that that person died when she went back to Russia’s house and everything would’ve been okay but she didn’t because it was her fualt. If she loved her harder, loved her better, she could’ve spirited Ema away to safety as she had seen done before. But she didn’t. 

And so it is guilt that keeps her there, guilt that comes back ever night because she didn’t stand up for the one she loved and now that rot has gotten so deep inside what used to be their love that she doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

So maybe they’re right, love can’t come back from betraying each other, but maybe they’re wrong and she’ll wake up and fall right back in love with the person Ema became and everything will be okay again.

**Author's Note:**

> [When someone you love deeply refuses to stand up for you, even if it is just once, it is a thing that will rot your love from the inside out - Nikita Gill](http://meanwhilepoetry.tumblr.com/post/162609619308/when-someone-you-love-deeply-refuses-to-stand-up)


End file.
